Fleeting feelings of despair and hopelessness!!!

I have been struggling with the scale all week, being up by as much as 6 pounds at one point this week, which is crazy. Mathematically I would have to have eaten 21,000 calories above my daily calorie allowance and what I burned exercising, there is absolutely no way this happened. My official weigh in has me as gaining 2 pounds obviously better than gaining 6 but a gain none the less, I still don't think I ate 7000 extra calories this week. I honestly was in a pissed off mood this morning thanks to that scale, I actually felt desperate and hopeless and had fleeting thoughts of saying "Screw it" and going on a food binge. I didn't, but I thought about it, and in the past I would have done it. Putting in all into perspective I have still lost 8# in 3 weeks, not bad considering my goal was to lose 1.5# a week, so I'm still ahead of the game and I need to keep that in my mind. I wish I wasn't one of those people who need that instant gratification, to see those numbers on the scale going down every week. I read blogs written by people who were stuck at the same weight for months and yet continued on the path they started on, to weight loss and health. I hope I can maintain that focus and drive, even during the not so good weigh in weeks.
I just want to say I am loving Nike's new adds that don't have every woman looking like a stick figure! Kudos to Nike for celebrating curves!!



Don't get me wrong I would love my ass and thighs to look that good, but at least it's a step in the right direction, portraying "real" women! I look forward to the day I can wear shorts that short!!!

Why is the scale such a pain in my ass????

I just don't understand, I've been stepping on periodically throughout the week and I am back up almost 6 pounds, I don't get it!! My eating this week has not been the greatest but I certainly haven't been on an all out eating binge either, a couple of slip up snacks and such, but nothing major! I've been exercising like normal...ugh!!! I hate the scale! I know some people say to just throw it out and go based on how you are feeling and how clothes fit etc...I just can't do that, I need the accountability. Times like these are times I get frustrated and ready to throw in the towel, but I know I can't. Tomorrow morning is the official weigh in, so we'll see what the scale shows then.

Inspirational Quotes

My son is a wimp!

Don't get me wrong, I love him like crazy, but he is a wimp. He was bound and determined to do a 5K with me after the one I did at Bastille Days, so I signed us up for one in August, he was fully aware he would need to go out jogging with me 2 or 3 nights a week so he would be ready. We have been at it about 3 weeks now and I swear he has had something to whine and complain about the whole 3 miles. Now keep in mind this kid hasn't had an ounce of hurry in him his whole life, he's always been laid back, one of those people you have to light a fire under their ass to get them moving, but anyway...I decided maybe I was pushing him too hard, so last night I decided we would jog one minute and walk 5 minutes and so on, not a great workout for me by far, but I figured it would be easier for him. He made it through the first one minute and then the complaining started...ugh! I can't make it much easier than that for him! The most frustrating thing to me is that during the walking part, he walks super slow and I can't even get him to walk fast a little bit. I am so sad that he is so out of shape at only 12 years old, last night I kept telling him that it will get better and that he was making his body strong, reinforced that he doesn't want to end up overweight and diabetic like his Dad, and blah, blah, blah! I don't want to make him hate jogging but I think he's capable of way more than the effort he is putting forth. I am so frustrated with him, but we will keep at it!
On a good note, I noticed that I am in the lead in the Awesome by August challenge! I have had a good two weeks, now lets hope I can keep it up! I think I need to find challenges to keep me motivated, it sure seems to be working!!!
So today's plan is homework (figured if I work 2 hours a day on the research proposal I won't have to hole up for two days straight to get it done at the last minute), a walk with the little girls this afternoon to a new park I discovered right up the road from my house that I never knew existed, and saw when I was out for a jog, and then jogging with Mr. Whiney Pants tonight, it's going to be hot and humid so I'm sure I'll hear about it the whole way!!

Good weigh in again this week!!!

I was down 2.4# this week, yay!!! I had stepped on the scale a day or two ago and it said the exact same weight as last week so I was a bit discouraged because I felt that I was really having a good week, but low and behold I did lose!!! Hallelujah!!!
Tori had her gallbladder out today and is doing remarkably well, as a matter of fact she is sitting at the table playing mousetrap with two of her girlfriends right now. Hopefully she isn't overdoing it. I have to work my usual 12 hour shifts the next two days...bleh! I am thinking I need to look for a new job, the moral in my department sucks! I used to enjoy going in to work and now I dread it, that is no way to go through life! I'm sure I'll stick it out for a while I'm just at a point where I'm getting that itch to try something else, something I will enjoy doing, but who knows, I might just be in a work funk right now and it will all improve again. I have another year of school until I get my Bachelor's degree and then maybe that will open some new doors until I can get through grad school.

I am stressing about this research proposal...

It's my last assignment for my research class and I've been working on it and stressing over it today, however, I haven't broken down and started stress eating, don't even have the desire to really, which is cool! The stress eating last semester is what landed me back at this obscenely high weight I started out at (again), a weight I had vowed never to let myself get back up to. I sometimes wonder if I am such a glutton for positive feedback and attention that once the "you're looking skinny" comments start to taper off I put the weight back on in order to get the positive comments again. I'm not saying that this is why I put the weight back on, but I wonder if somewhere in my subconscious, my ego causes the yo-yo dieting because of this. Things that make you go hmmmmmmmm!! I think I need to watch my eating and make sure I'm getting enough calories, I know I don't lose weight when I eat too little, and I'm short again today, so I'll try to find some healthy stuff to eat here shortly. Last week was such a great eating week, this week hasn't been bad so far with eating, and I'm on track with exercising, just missed yoga this morning, but I started the 200 sit up program that Karen is doing, and took the kids to the pool, so I didn't just sit on my butt all day.

Today's funny

I really must be leading a boring life right now. I'm keeping my calories in check and exercising. I guess once the honeymoon is over I'll be blogging alot more. So for today here is a funny!!

First weigh in

Apparently I am down 7.4 pounds, I was shocked!! I knew alot would come off the first week I really watched my eating and got in all of my exercise, and I'm sure it will slow down from here, just gotta keep plugging along at it.
I posted my fat picture here, if nothing else it will help keep me motivated every time I look at it...blech!!
I'm working 2-12 hour shifts again this weekend, and with that lies the challenge of not letting myself get so starving I want to eat anything that isn't nailed down once I get home. I'll try, but some days it's so busy I don't have time to grab a snack.
Here's hoping for a good weekend!

Had a diet coke today...

...and it was damn good!! I needed it and it made me feel better and that's what counts!! Nothing too exciting to report on today, I have stayed in my calorie range and went to do yoga this morning which went well. I just feel a generalized pissy-ness of late and I can't shake it, and I don't really know what's causing it. Hopefully my moods will level out one of these days! Tomorrow I'll take Tori to the surgeon and see what he says about taking out her gallbladder.
Going to go and watch some dvr stuff.

OK, so my shitty attitude is slightly better today!

I had a really crappy day yesterday, just one of those I feel like being a crab ass just leave it alone, kind of days. Today was better, despite the fact that Tori, my 17 year old ended up in the ER at 3 in the morning with an acute gallbladder attack. It needs to come out and we see the surgeon for a consult on Thursday. She happily sleeping with Vicodin on board so hopefully this will be a better night for her (and we get to get more sleep!!).
Exercising went great today, I put the baby in her stroller and Paige took her bike and we walked/rode to my mom's a little over a mile away. It took an hour to get there because Paige is 4 and just getting good at riding her bike, we stopped alot to fix wedgies, and scratch itches, and look at flowers and butterflies, but it was so worth it! After supper Josh and I went for a jog that turned out to be more of a walk, took us an hour to get 3.1 miles, he was complaining that his knees hurt and we ended up walking most of the route, but hell, 3 miles is 3 miles and we did it together!!! I need to remember not to push him too hard, he is a little overweight and I have been at this longer than he has, however, he's 12, this should be a piece of cake for him and it's not. I feel bad that he has gotten heavy and out of shape, but we are working on fixing that.
I'm a little shy on my calories today so I'm heading to the kitchen here in a bit to find something healthy to eat, then I'm reading and hitting the hay, it's been a long long day!! Tomorrow is yoga.

Today was tough

I stood on that damn scale today and I had my husband measure me and take some photos, and I've been in a funk ever since. I cannot believe how far I let myself slide again, I am so so so tired of losing this weight over and over again! When do I finally GET IT??? It's never been easy for me to take off pounds and I don't expect this time will be any easier than the last 4,657 or so times, it sure goes on a hell of a lot faster than it comes off! I can't even feel the excitement of starting this new "adventure" because I've been down the same path so many freakin' times!! ENOUGH ALREADY!!! I can say I'm happy to have traveled into the blogging world, I find so much inspiration here and I'm am in need of an endless supply of motivation and inspiration because I sure as hell don't get it from the one I married!! OK, I am just being a crab ass tonight, I haven't had one bit of caffeine today, and I sorely miss my Diet Cokes, tomorrow I'll need to have some coffee or tea or something or I'm sure I'll develop a migraine which I don't need! I stayed within my calorie range today and ate about every 3 hours, I can see how that type of eating will be hard if you have any sort of plans away from home, at least initially. I'll keep plugging along as usual and see what the next weigh in brings! I'm pretty sure I'll stick to Fridays for weigh in days after the "offical" weight I took today. Mondays aren't good for me because of working two 12 hour shift over the weekend and water retention and the whole bit, so Fridays it is from here on out. I'll measure myself once a month, weigh myself once a week, and get pictures when I think of it...

Tomorrow is THE DAY!!

I will be getting pictures and measurements and hopping back on the bandwagon (AGAIN). I was thinking today how ironic and utterly pathetic it is that I ran my first 5K at a weight that is almost as heavy as when I started WW back in January of '09. I had lost almost 60# and have since put all but about 10# of it back on, over the last 9 months or so. I am so disgusted with myself, yet again. I just don't understand why I do this to myself every time. For once in my life can't I just take the weight off and leave it off!!!! I am seriously contemplating attending and over-eaters anonymous meeting, I was surprised to find they have one here in our small town, it's tomorrow night, I think it would be weird, walking in for the first time, and taking that first step would definitely be the hardest. There has to be help out there for me, and anything short of a therapist is worth a shot, I guess. I know what I need to do to lose weight, I know what I need to do to keep it off, I know what I should and shouldn't eat, I know when I'm binging and I know that my binge days always eventually turn into binge weeks followed by binge months, and I am powerless to reel it in once it gets going. I've been fat my whole life and this is such a typical pattern for me. It's funny how it is so taboo for people to say anything about someone gaining weight, yeah, it's nice to hear comments when your losing, but when you are gaining it's a whole other story, no one says a word, and you know people notice, it's THAT obvious!! Can you imagine someone saying, " My you look like you are getting fatter by the day..." Maybe that would be a wake up call, just a thought, not that I would want anyone saying that to me, I think I do fine at beating myself up over my weight. It's almost as if I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm going to fail, so I go into it with the wrong mindset, I guess because I always HAVE failed, what else should I expect. I guess I will always be waiting for that ah-ha moment when it all makes sense and works out. Sure hope I find it this time!
Time to get my ass up out of the dirt and come out swingin'!!

Got me some wine at the finish line!!!!

Ann and I finished the 5K in 47 minutes, it was hotter then heck but we plugged along and did it, AND we are already planning the next one for August. We are going to do the Friends of Hank Aaron State Trail 5K and it happens to be a Saturday I have off. Josh wants to do a 5K with me so he is going to start running with me Monday and Ann is going to take her girls, so it should be a good time! It was kind of an uneventful finish to the 5K last night, because it was just a fun run there weren't any timing chips or timers at the finish line so we were both like "is this the end??", but whatever, we did it and it was a blast running through historic downtown Milwaukee, and we've decided we are going to do this run every year in celebration of our first ever 5K!
I went and got groceries today so I'm stocked up and ready to weigh in and get my measurements Monday, and get back on the bandwagon (AGAIN), working on getting into the right mindset, I have to!!! I can't keep going like this, gaining and gaining weight, and yo-yo dieting. I can't fall off the wagon and stay off for such long stretches at a time, it's ridiculous! Hopefully with this eating every three hours I can keep myself in check more.
I have to work all weekend but I will post my stats on Monday no matter how bad and/or embarrassing they may be!

5K is tonight!!

Can't say that I am anywhere near where I envisioned myself being at this point, in fact I backslid quite a bit in the last month or so both weight wise and exercising. Every part of me wants to just cancel and not go, but I am going to go and I am going to do it, no matter how long it takes me. I am so glad my friend Ann from work and I signed up together for this because neither one of us is going to back out on the other. At least this way I will have a base 5K time and it will only improve from there. I went to MC Sports to look for a pair of running shorts this morning and all I can say is REALLY?????? I think anyone above 100 pounds wouldn't fit more than one leg in some of those shorts! Guess I'll stick with some knit capri exercise pants I have and a t-shirt, I can't wear my yoga shorts because they ride up in the middle because of my fat thighs, don't want to chaff or anything!! Still haven't decided what we are going to do with our keys and stuff, that should be interesting.
I have just about one week of meal plans done, going to finish them up today and then stock up on groceries I need tomorrow. I have to work all weekend and then plan on taking pictures and measurements and starting on Monday with this eating plan. I optimistic about it, I think eating every 3 hours might just be the ticket for me to stop my low blood sugar binge eating. We'll see...
I'll post more later or tomorrow about the 5K.

I need a kick in the ass!

I have been eating like a maniac for a month and I feel like a cow! I haven't made time to exercise other than going to yoga last week and I feel like crap! I know I feel better when I eat better and exercise so what is my problem???? GAH!!!! I am working on meal plans right now and I am definitely going to change it up a bit from what I had been doing. I want to try eating every three hours, as some of you more successful blogger friends had recommended, and I think I am going to try 50% carbs, 30% protein, and 20% fat to start with. Now I just need to plan it all out. Does anyone have any good meal ideas that have macros with those percentages?? I have come to the conclusion that I will eat with my family but I think I will be making them different meals most of the time and sticking with foods that work for me to lose weight. It's not about the food we eat together it's about the meal time spent together anyway, right? My 5K is Thursday and I don't even want to go. I have been so neglectful in my jogging that I know it's going to be a less than stellar performance, but at least I can say I did it, even if I just alternate walking and jogging, and I'll have a starting point so I can shoot for a better time each time I do it. I feel like such a slug! I need to remember how shitty I feel right now the next time I decide to fall off the wagon for a month! It is amazing to me how fast the weight piles back on me when I'm not watching what I eat! Why can't it come off as fast as it goes on!
My focus is on the now, and not the failure of this past month. I need to get my head on straight and stop this craziness.
Feel free to kick me in the ass to get me going, now and anytime in the future when I start falling off the wagon!!!